I love Christmas. In Canada, it snows before Christmas and the snow makes the lights on the house twinkly and beautiful. The snow also dampens the traffic noise, so everything seems quieter. It’s like a Hallmark moment every day, except for the graders at 3am and the Crack house on the corner. Other than those things, I love Christmas.
This is my list of the 12 Days before Christmas… shopping and a few other things that irritate me at Christmas time. Please don’t hate me for this.
1. On the first day of Christmas I had to smell B.O. I go shopping and someone wanders past me smelling of underarm cheese. Two words: Wear Deodorant.
2. On the second day of Christmas I had a run in with Mr Magoo. I was just driving by him at Indigo, he was 75 and wrinkly. I was minding my own business and then he cursed me out. I could not hear him because we were both in our cars, but I could read his wrinkly lips. It was not pretty, folks. You know who you are Mr. Magoo. I have one word for you: Antipsychotic Medication.
3. On the third day of Christmas I had to listen to Bing Crosby’s White Christmas one more time. No, that song does not put me into the Christmas spirit. It makes me angry. I find the whistling-singing thing makes me want to rip Mr. Magoo’s Antipsychotic Medication from his hands and throw it into my mouth.
4. On the fourth day of Christmas I was confronted with more Christmas themed products than I should know about: Christmas coffee, Christmas Underwear, Christmas chocolates, Christmas oranges, Christmas tape, Christmas beer, Christmas ties, Christmas cookies, Nike Christmas Shoes, Christmas make up, Christmas sweaters…
5. On the fifth day of Christmas I had to face special Christmas-eating rules. The table is full of baking, chocolates, chips and pop and jelly beans. Am I allowed to eat them? Nope. They are for display. Other than the Sears Catalogue, who display’s food? I feel like I am in Christmas Purgatory. Here is a table of delicious food that you can eat next week… Lookie no touchie!
6. On the sixth day of Christmas I endured last minute Christmas sales that begin December 5. Last minute sales, 20 days before Christmas? Am I missing something?
7. On the seventh day of Christmas I was creeped out by Rudolf. I don’t know why, but the cartoon “Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer Christmas” has always creeped me out. I think it is the Herky-Jerky movement of the characters in the movie, the pointy teeth of the Abominable Snowman and the red nose of Laser Death that Rudolf wears. I wonder if Rudolf is a secret communist. Who celebrates a RED Reindeer? Merry Christmas, Comrades.
8. On the eight day of Christmas I had to evade the dreaded TV Christmas movies. Home Alone is not funny, it is not real and it could never happen. In Canada, if that happened to my family, Children’s Services would investigate me. Who leaves a child alone for a week? That is not funny. It is child neglect. Who laughs at child neglect? My wife and I have threatened to do that, but to actually get away with it?
9. On the ninth day of Christmas Celine Dion sang. And it is killing me. I love the French, because they have given us French Toast, French Fries and the GST. The French also gave Canada Celine Dion. If I could talk to her, with my best Canadian accent I would politely say, “Celine, I just want to remind you that while Canada may begin with “C”, that is not because we named the country in your honor. You are not the Capital of Canada. The capital of Canada is Ottawa! And here is a Christmas present I found just for you, enjoy!”
10. On the tenth day of Christmas I observed Christmas shopping fashion. Sweatpants and hair that swoops are not acceptable outside of the house, people!!
11. On the eleventh day of Christmas, I had to avoid eating the Strawberry filled Christmas chocolates. I don’t know why, but I just don’t like the Strawberry filled chocolates. I don’t hate Christmas, I just don’t like that particular flavor of chocolate. As a child, I would poke the last few remaining chocolates to see if there was strawberry inside. Then I would run away. I know, I need medication.
12. On the twelfth day of Christmas I missed the real meaning of Christmas which is: Jesus, Santa, Christmas food (finally), presents, overeating, boring TV, enormous bags of recycling and more gifts than my children will ever play with.
Keep it real and Merry Christmas!