“Teenagers today outnumber parents who have military training or experience. This is not parenting. This is war.”
I am a CommanDoh parent. I have a Master’s degree and a shelf of books on Parenting. So why do I stand in the corner, banging my head? It’s because parenting is driving me crazy. My wife tells me that my father probably drank as much as he did because he and my mother had to parent my brother and I. She might have a point.
A CommanDoh parent is not a together, organized parent. CommanDoh parents make it happen by getting dirty. We are not afraid of mistakes, because we make them all of the time. We just have better ways to cover it up than the Preppy Parents.
CommanDoh parents have a code. We call it The CommanDoh Code:
1. We take time to make decisions. We like to observe and take time to weigh out different options. We have to sort out the paradoxes of parenting, like this one: How is it that our teenager refuses to clean their rooms and the room smells… yet they spend 30 minutes in the bathroom making sure they smell great and that every single hair is in place? We get confused by this and we need time.
2. We make mistakes. We make a lot of mistakes, but we learn from them. We are waiting for the long promised parenting manual. So far there is no manual on parenting because Steve Jobs had ADHD. He started out to write the manual, but then he got distracted. Stupid iPhones, iPods and iPads. He really should have taken his little blue pills and then maybe we would have books like iSuckatParenting and iAmBecomingABetterParent or iTakeBluePillsAndIAmHappy.
3. We believe in Parenting Karma. My teenager likes to remind me that I have a Master’s degree and a shelf of books about parenting . Then he lectures me that the parenting books I have read have not worked so well for me. Being a CommanDoh parent really helps with this. I remind myself that Parenting Karma will come back to kick him in the ass. Just wait little buddy, life will pay you back.
4. We use the Television as a babysitter. People who tell you that the TV is not supposed to be a babysitter are liars. I use the TV as a babysitter all of the time. It holds my hand and helps me to make sense of the world. That is why CommanDoh parents watch The Walking Dead and The Simpsons. Each episode has people we care about, a problem to solve, a plan and despite all of that, nothing seems to work. Just like parenting.
5. We laugh a lot. Not because we are wise, or because we use laughter to relieve tension. Laughter helps to reduce stress, but mostly it just fills air time. When we are asked to make big decisions that we have no idea what to do, we laugh. It makes us seem lighthearted and fun. But we really are laughing because have no freakin’ idea. He who laughs does not have to answer questions.
6. We swear. We use bad language. Okay we are not proud of it. Sometimes all of the smart stuff just doesn’t fit anymore and we grunt or use swear words instead. We are sorry for this. Just don’t get in our way.
7. We know we are irrelevant. We accept ourselves and we know how to use a lot of really smart sounding words that don’t mean very much. To cope, we pray the Leadership Serenity Prayer.
8. We have weapons. We have superpowers and we can see in the dark. We have a secret weapon that helps us to know what to do in every situation: It’s called Google Search. We know what our teenagers have been doing because we did a lot of stupid shit growing up. We have panic alarms and we are not afraid of using them. In fact, we have Appified our lives and we are Locked and Loaded.
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